Goodbye
by Vesperli
Summary: After all she's been through she sees no other way out.


**Title:** Goodbye (Inspired by the song „She said (Goodbye) by Dave Gahan)

**Author:** Vesperli

**Summary**: After all she's been through she sees no other way out.

**Rating Note:** This Fanfiction is rated M for character death.

**Author's Note:**This is my first Fanfiction written in English. I like it dark and so I 'm afraid most of you arent't going to read my story unless you can handle a main characters death.

**Author's Note No.2:** I have to thank the extraordinary **Emma** alias **FanficwriterGHC** for proofreading my tiny little Fanfiction. Dedicated to my Castle friends **Sarah**, **Aneira** and **Alexandra**.

_"As she looked into my eyes  
>I knew I might not see her again"<em>

The slight trembling in her voice breaks my heart and it's difficult for me to watch her suffer from this pain I can't take away from her.

She's sitting on my sofa and holding my hand—a gesture I'd appriciate under normal circumstances. But here and now, it's a warning sign for me. Something  
>significant has changed and my subconscious screams and fights to catch up with it.<p>

"He's dead and it's my fault."

It's already been eight weeks since her mother's murderer died. Seven weeks since Ryan has been burried because the murderer of Johanna Beckett shot himwith Becketts gun. And she's still not over it and is still blaming herself.

"It's not your fault that Ryan has died."

"Yes, it is. Don't you want to understand? Can't you understand that Ryan still could be here if I hadn't been so stupid and dropped my damn gun?"

She turns her head and her green eyes meet my blue ones. The sparkle in her eyes has been erased and with it all of their hope and warmth. It almost seems to me that her will to live is gone too.

"I can't live with the knowledge that someone died by my hand," she whispers.

"But it was your Mother's murderer who killed Kevin! Not you!"

"And it shouldn't have been you who killed Masters! It should have been me. You have his blood on your hands. I never wanted that."

I have to swallow hard and supress the urge to take Kate by her shoulders to shake rationaltiy back into her brain.

But instead I try to soothe her with words and my own remaining sanity.

"Don't be sorry for something that isn't your fault. Masters deserved his death and I don't worry that I'm the one who shot him. Because if I didn't you wouldn't be here sitting next to me."

She lets go of my hand and we remain silent for a few moments.

"Where are you going?" I ask her as she gets up and she knows that those words aren't meant to be literal.

She breaths a loud sigh and with misty eyes she let her gaze wander across the room just to avoid my begging look.

"I don't know," she answers simply and it's the disinterest in her voice that really scares me. Usually she isn't this calm, self-controlled and entirely  
>emotionless. At least not while I'm around talking to her.<p>

"Maybe I quit. Maybe I move away. Maybe this is the end of everything."

"What does that mean?" Now my voice trembles. I'm not pleased with the direction this conversation has taken.

"I'm done, Castle. Just done. I'm tired and exhausted. This isn't my life any more. You were right. I got too caught up in my Mother's case and now  
>Montgomery and Ryan are both dead. I almost died. And you shouldn't have been involved at all."<p>

"Have you ever heard of destiny? I mean there must be a reason why we met."

"Have you ever heard of coincidence, Castle?"

"If you think this is all a coincidence, why is it so hard for you to forgive yourself and believe me when I say that you're not the one to blame?"

"Please, Castle. Stop. Don't. It's already hard enough for me..."

Now I get angry at her stubbornness and proclivity to torture herself. "What's hard for you? Staying New York and face the pain every damn day? The pain  
>won't go away if you move or quit or do whatever comes into your deranged mind."<p>

"Castle." She sighs. "You absolutely don't understand this. If my Mother wasn't murdered then all your lives wouldn't have been affected. Maybe when I  
>step out of your life then at least you, Alexis, Martha and Javier can return to normal."<p>

"Don't you think this is hard for me, too? I've been through all of this with you for four years now. I've lost two friends too. And now you want me and  
>Javier to forget all about it? You know as well as I do that we won't"<p>

"Please, just let me go."

"I can't," I answer. "I need you."

"You'll always need me much more than I need you."

"That's not true..." But before I can finish what I what want to say, my heart's breaking into million pieces. The realisation that's she just trying  
>to push me away from her again causes nausea and the dim feeling that she's planning to do something very stupid.<p>

„" have to go," she says. "I think it's time for us to part company. For both our sake."

She grabs her coat and shakes her head at my attempt to to stop from leaving me by grabbing her wrist.

"Please don't leave me. I almost lost you once last year, and I couldn't bear a life without you now."

But my words can't stop her.

"Goodbye, Castle."

"Kate..." I jump and follow her, grabbing and pulling her into a tight hug.

"I love you."

I feel her crying and sobbing against my chest. "I love you, too. Always have  
>and always will."<p>

"Then stay."

"I wish I could."

She places a gentle kiss on my lips and her hands caress my back. I can taste her salty tears and as she opens her mouth a little bit, I let my tongue  
>slowly meeting hers.<p>

I can't resist the urge to pin her against the wall, but she decides to stopand pushes me away. She breaths heavily and it takes her a few seconds to  
>clear her mind.<p>

"I really have to go," and as she looks into my eyes for the last time, I know that I really might not see her again.

I turn the corner of my living room and I hear her whisper goodbye, before the door closes and everything goes silent.

A quiet knocking on my door wakes me up late in the evening. I'm not expecting anyone, so I'm surpried to see Esposito standing in front of me as I open the  
>door.<p>

"Hello, Javier," I greet him, not prepared for what's coming in the next few minutes.

"Castle." Esposito looks very concerned. Adrenalin starts to send course through my body, urging me to run away and look after Kate.

"Where's Kate?" When I try to pass him he holds me back by placing his left hand on my shoulder.

"Castle.." he repeats quietly but determinded. "Please, listen to me."

But I can't. I know what Esposito is going to say. Kate's last words and their meaning that my subconscious couldn't capture in the afternoon are suddenly  
>back in my mind.<p>

He enters my flat and closes the door behind him. His eyes tell me everything I need to know and I shake my head in disbelief and desperation.

"Beckett.." starts Esposito. "Kate...she's dead."

Immediately my breathing stops as panic overcomes me. Esposito dissapperas behind a mist of tears streaming down my face.

"How?" is all I manage to say.

"She committed suicide. We found her laying in her bed. She took an overdose of her sleeping pills. Lanie couldn't reanimate her. We were too late."

"Oh God..." My knees are weak and I have to lean against the wall in order not to fall to the ground.

"I'm so sorry." Espositos voice is throaty and a single tear is rolling down his cheek. "There haven't been any signs that she was going to do something  
>like this," he says.<p>

_You bet._

"No," I reassure him because I don't want him to be wracked with the same guilt that overwhelmes me.

"Is there something I can do for you?" he wants to know.

"Thank you, Javier." I look up to him. "But I have to tell Martha and Alexis."

"But you'll call me, right?"

"Yeah. And so will you?"

Esposito nods and starts to leave my flat again but suddenly takes a step forward to hug me.

"I can't believe they're all dead."

"Yeah, me too." I don't know what else to say.

As Esposito leaves, I walk back into the living room and let myself fall onto my sofa, suddenly sobbing hysterically.

Goodbye. A tiny word with such an outrageous meaning I've never thought of.

„_As I turned the corner I heard her whisper again.  
>Goodbye is what she said." <em>


End file.
